Sorry my Kids

I'm sorry my kids
im so tired of feeling guilty...
when i can't read you a story before you sleep because I'm trying to nurse sleepy Reda and i can't talk
im sorry when i have to say shhhh and can't answer your questions during bedtime...for the same reason!
im sorry Lana if i can't give you a hug sometimes and cuddle with you until you fall a sleep...
im sorry my sweetie if I'm lost for words when you do your sad cry at bedtime and i ask you what's wrong? and you say "i want baba".
Im so sorry i feel torn apart...i wish i can give you my heart...
Im tired of feeling guilty
im sorry when i don't have the patent with you when u have your annoying habits of having to change your outfit all of the sudden. when you cry because your socks are bothering you and you take them off right before leaving to school!
when your undershirt is bothering you and i have to cut the tags in the back of it.!!
when you stop in the middle of the road while crossing the street because your shoe is bothering you!!!
I'm sorry but I'm trying my best to keep calm and i don't succeed all the time.

Habebty Lana i wish i can give you my heart to fell the empty space in your heart because your missing your daddy so much...i will NEVER forget that night when you said it again, i want to talk with baba..and i said you know what habebty go get me the phone now! and you looked at me with those big eyes like you are saying really mama! and you ran to get the phone, i called baba and gave it to you.. i was praying he would answer and alhamdulilah he did,  but when you heard his voice (I will never forget it)........you fell apart and cried and you couldn't get a word out of your mouth :'((( the more baba talked the more you cried...you just broke my/his heart....after like 10 minutes you managed to answer him...you hang up...went to your bed and...you cried again! THANK GOD Reda was sleep...i was able to hug you till you fell a sleep....thank God my sisters were home i didn't break down my self!

you act so tough and you push all my buttons:) but you have the sweetest heart and i know you are going to be one amazing strong girl. Remember the party they did in your school...when i saw you walking up the stage, i was going to fall apart in tears:') and i tried so hard not to cry....you looked so beautiful my princess...and i thought wow what the heck am I going to do when she graduate...get married...omg my baby i love you SO MUCH:')

habeby Zaid, I'm sorry because i don't make you mamonnyah like baba!
im sorry because i can't play tough games! like make you step on my stomach and laugh!! :D ya i'll leave that to baba ;)
im so sorry Zaid when you cried one night..you were telling me how the boys were annoying in school and i wanted to set next to you, talk more about it, and hug you till you fall a sleep but couldn't because Reda would not stop crying it was so hard watching your sad face at night i felt paralyzed, stuck, and wanted to cut myself in half to be with you and Reda at the same time! I wanted to put my arms around you to make you safe and tell you how strong and tall you are!:)

Habeby Zaid, I love seeing your big smile when i say ok to playing soccer with you! and we have been playing everyday:) my legs were sore the first few days lol...remember when we hit the phone and it flew off the wall!! i hope u remember the good memories n laughters :)
I love to hear what happened in school, the bus, what Adam said ;) you and Khaled...the sleep over.
counting the points every Friday and getting your money:) buying your first Nike shoes and baba taking the credit and all the love for it!! telling me i love baba more than you! :)

I love watching you making wudu for Fajr then getting ready for school. praying and reading one page from the Quran...memorizing and practicing...my wish is to see you a Hafez and i hope to help you do that habeby i know you can. I love greeting u at the door and giving u a big hug and kiss..when u come back you go to your room..change, pray, do home work, then eat....you are one smart, organized, strong boy you make me so proud . I love seeing Reda's face when he knows you are home! he follows you and just stares at you like he is not getting enough of you..he whispers to you and talk...oh it melts my heart.  Zaid you are one great big brother...Lana and Reda are so lucky :)
I love taking you kids to the fountain everyday and watching you splashing that water all over happely smiling, running, and sharing your trash pack toy with other kids ;)

May Allah protect you my angels and surround you with good people :)
May Allah help me be more patent...may Allah unite us and keep Ammar safe.
May Allah guide us and help us choose the best for our kids...

1st Bithday!!

OMG it's been a year!! Reda is 1year habeby!! :') you are the best gift from Allah..what would my life be without this face...i know we say that about each child but no no this baby is totally different :)

may Allah guide u and your brother and sister. 

we had a really good day with friends here in Dubai. I just planned the birthday/goodbye party last minute, my neighbor was traveling the next day to Lebanon, Zaid's best friend Khaled in school also moving to Lebanon, and us moving to Qatar next week!!

it's been crazy, stressful, new, and adventuress :D I met really nice friends and neighbors. 

I met Amani at the lobby of our new apartment and Khale'd mom at the school..she is one mazing lady mashallah...why? cus 3 months ago she told me that Khaled is not her son!! stepmother!!!! i would never guessed she is better than alot of moms subhanallah!!! she gives me hope in this crazy life.

But my first friends were in Armada, Lubna and Arwa. we met at the playground and we just clicked, its like we have been looking for each other :) Lubna talked to me first and we laughed cus she lived in the tiny apartment beneath us in Armada tower..then met Arwa who lived in the next tower, born and raised in New Jersey! we just clicked right away...we became like sisters. I was having the panic attacks at that time...Ammar just started traveling, I was taking the kids to school, picking up Lana at 12:30 then having to wait for Zaid until 2:15 while dragging baby Reda with me in the crazy heat and Ammar refusing to put Zaid in the school bus.

then we were forced to leave that apartment cus of that crazy owner, I went to Saudi while Ammar moved to MAG218 in the beautiful marina. I came back to this new large apartment Ammar left us again....and ever since that trip (still in Armada), we have not been seeing Ammar...only like 3 days a month if we r lucky! and it is affecting the kids... i can't forget when Zaid talked in his sleep and said, "baba plz talk to us on Skype". did i mention that Ammar travels and doesn't speak to us for dayyys!:D 

Lana would mention her dad around bedtime...( i need another post for that!!!)

But subhanallah for Allah's mercy...in Armada Allah send me those girls, and in MAG Allah send me my mother in law who came to see her son coming from California with his family! it was perfect timing and breath of fresh air. the kids had fun with their cousins and grandmother..

my mother in law came for a second visit too.

 Slowly i became more confident in dealing with the new move... I started to feel safe knowing i have neighbors to call, planning things with them for the kids..life became fun and bright :)

My sisters also came to visit..we had the BEST TIME alhamdulilah :) My dad also came for some work 2 weeks ago to Sharjah, drove to see him everyday :) it was really good...drove again last week to attend  the engagement of Rasha (my cousn's daughter Rana) who last time i saw 10 years ago in Jordan! seeing my other aunt Shareefeh and her daughter Om Ali who came from Tartos in Syria too..makes u think...what life would be without family and good friends...alhamdulilah

any way right now I'm loving Dubai...it's a good place to live where everything is available...this needs another post! u r just a phone call away from everything u want...it is perfect for me!

I'm really going to miss Dubai